Draft night drama! Four captains fired!

Shocking development going into winter season

Major changes are coming to the PHN for Winter 23/34 with huge leadership changes on every team.

The details shocked even the VP of Corruption, aka 15, who said “even I am shocked, and I’m the VP of Corruption.”

Normally 15 has an inside scoop on what’s happening because he’s looking for a bribe, but in this case PHN owners took power into their on hands and acted decisively to change the face of league leadership.

The head of the PHNPA, Mel Dawg, said he’s looking into the matter.

“Every one of these guys has the right to severance pay and their contracts must be respected when the join the league as regular pluggers. The PHNPA will make sure they get their due compensation.”

Here’s what went down.

Caps captain Moe fires himself!

Sensing that he was going to be buried harder than an Ovie slapshot on the PP, Captain Moe fired himself before team owners Applewood Forming could fire him and pour the footings of a condo tower over him.

“I knew what was coming” said Moe, “those guys are tough. And having lost two toilet bowls in a row, one wearing blue and one wearing red, I thought I should do myself a favour before the formers came to get me.”

In addition trolling the wing this winter as a player only Moe said not having to run a team will give him more time to troll the ladies.

“Playas got play.”

He’s also going to spend more time polishing his Tesla.

“Laugh it up boys, but come winter gas price spikes, you’ll be crying” said Moe, who’s the self-described “hottest UFA in the PHN.”

Captain Mike fails drug tests, gets french kissed off!

Nords Captain Mike, a known high flyer, failed five team drug tests during the playoff run for the French squad, testing positive for different drugs each time!

A statement from team owners Ashton Renovations said, “After months of trying to get Mike help for this selfish behaviour, we finally had to take this step. franchise. As a family we like to party, and Mike wasn’t inviting us to all these blowouts. We expect our captains to be team players and share the fun.”

Pags’ Stag is proof of that policy, meanwhile, the wired and fired Captain Mike could not be reached for comment.

PHNPA President Mel Dawg said “Captain Mike will receive the full support of the union as soon as we can find him and talk about things over a drink.”

It’s not clear if that drink will be a Sailor Jerry or Aviator Gin.

Adult film star Alfie goes out on top!

The case of Adult film star Alfie is unique.

Fired from the Caps mid season and traded, the cagey and horny twine lover is gloating over he came out on top.

Yes. We wrote that. Again.

Alfie won the championship with the Seals and barely broke a sweat.

If fact he might have worked harder just watching his wife have their second child.

Now the sire says he’s gonna to retire from captaining, at least for now.

“You’ve heard of a stud farm right,” said Alfie, “for now this stud is just going to concentrate on raising champions while making porn and playing hockey part time.”

Dunner done with the Whalers!

Whalers ownership, the MDC dentistry empire, decided it was time for a quick root canal on the squad and fired Captain Dunner, despite the team making 2 straight appearances in the PHN finals.

“Look,” said player owner Marco.  “Hockey is business.  And in business if you are not winning, you’re losing. Dunner got us to the dance, but didn’t get it done. Am I supposed to give him a third chance?  No way.  You know why? Because Joe and Dom have the third chance.  I hate those guys so I am making sure that we take them down this season.”

Asked about whether Maxi Max missing the one final and both Langer and his own son the other final were factors in the losses Marco was combative.  “Look, if I am missing a drill bit or a pair of pliers I still gotta get my job done.  No excuses!”

Dunner kept it classy.  “I loved wearing the green, and I’m not going to make a scene,” he said. “I’m keen to join a new team … and play that mutha mean!”

Only the Seals safe from wave of change

So only the 2 time champion Seals captains were not touched by this wave of change through the league.

“Why would we change?” said Dom, “we’re winners.”

“Yeah,” said Joe. “I mean we’re getting championship rings for our team because that’s what winners do.”

Well well well –

Seriously thanks to our outgoing captains for years of service and fun.

The PHN is made great by the players in it and helping run it.

So who’s taking over the vacant captain spots?

More to come!