Finals and Toilet Bowl Monday! Drug scandal alleged by VP of Corruption

And now the two biggest games in the PHN, the Championship and the Toilet Bowl, are set.

An incredibly close regular season came down to two incredibly close semi-finals.

“It was incredibly close,” said the PHNPA VP of Corruption, aka 15.

“So close that I’m personally going to investigate some claims about the use of performance enhancing drugs to  make sure that nobody was hopped up on anything.  If that’s true I expect to be paid, or I might have to adjust who’s playing in the finals.”

Somebody might be chaffing from the loss!  More on that manufactured controversy to come, first the recaps.

Whalers win

First the Whalers prevailed over the Nords, 2 games to none, with both games were settled by a goal.

Game 1 was 3-2 after a late game rally by the Nords, who pulled their goalie and scored twice on a power play in the last 5 minutes.

In Game 2, The Danner recorded a shut out and was stellar between the pipes.  PHN Swiss Army Knife A.T. scored on a 2 on 1 to bag the game’s only goal assisted by Tsanger the Banger.

“It was a perfect pass,” said AT, “So perfect I almost stopped to point it out to everyone.  But I decided the better hockey play was to score.”

Maxy Max agreed.  “Better play for sure.”

“It’s what I would have done if I was there” said Goldie.

“But I’ve been blocking a lot of shots lately and you should see this bruise I have.”

This is in fact true.  The only guy in green blocking more shots than Goldie is Whaler’s keeper The Danner.

“There’s two things I love doing” said The Danner.

“Baking and blocking shots. One of them I do for money, the other for the coke tray.”

Nords Captain Moe didn’t have much to say post series.

“It’s an all oceans final,” said Moe.

“Not quite Holywood, because you know we’d need the Mighty Ducks in there. Or the Little Mermaid.

Or Flipper. Flipper off and good luck.”

Seals keep swimming

The Caps Seals series was even more dramatic.

The Caps took game 1, winning 2-1 with the late game winner coming from Matt M.

“We did what we do best,” said The Dominator.  “We coasted until it was almost too late.”

Before game 2, a must win for the Seals, their high scoring star Joe Barbs was nervous.

Or, he ate some bad cannolis.

“I took 6 shits leading up to the game” he said.

“I told the boys that if it hadn’t stopped I was going to play the game in an adult diaper.”

Speaking of diapers, Caps D man and the league’s only ginger, Niner, bailed on the crucial game 2 because his wife was in labour.

Inspired by Rodzilla’s 14 kids, Niner and his wife decided to start their own family.  Congrats Niner on the baby boy!

As it turns out game 2 was a high scoring affair that saw both goalies take injury time outs.

Adult film star Alfie made a dramatic save with his facemask and had to spend a few minutes thinking about his life choices.

Later Gerry Italiano needed a time out to talk with his people about cutting the brake lines on a Audi in the rink parking lot after he was run over by The Kuz.

Thankfully both were ok and the real drama came late in the game with a 4-4 tie that would have sent the Caps to the finals.

Then, with 3 seconds left Joe Barbs won it 5-4 for the Seals to knot the series at 1 game each, bringing on a winner takes all overtime.

In the end it was the Caps who needed diapers because the for them what happened next was the shits.

Seals D man JEM was using a longer stick for the first time this year.

Like a stick for a grown man as opposed to the teenager’s stick he’s been using most of the year after stealing it from some kid practicing back at Double Dumps.

Turns out, that worked out pretty good.

JEM wheeled in on on OT breakaway and scored the game winner putting the Seals into the finals.

Seals on smack?  Drug testing investigation ongoing

After the big win Seals captain Poppa Barbs was feeling good.

Maybe a little too good for a man of his age.

“We’ve  asked Doc J. what we should do about our boners that won’t go down after that win,” he said.

“I told you so,” said the VP of Corruption.

“They were on uppers and now they need some downers?!” he said.

“This is not the kind of thing that the PHN tolerates. The Seals know we have strict drug sharing policy, either we are all on it or we’re all clean.

Expect the results of my investigation by the end of this weekend or sometime in June.”

Game times and free advice

Caps vs Nords

Toilet Bowl 8:00

Seals vs Whalers

Finals 9:00

Don’t eat too many cannolis.

Keep your stick on the ice and your shirt on.

Thanks to all for a great season and good luck!