Mark and Morgy – Two PHN 20th anniversary season long time losers for profile # 3
Sad as emo boys, these guys in serious need of a championship
There are actually a trio of Whalers who have never won the big game, but since Matty D is a part timer we’re focussing on the full time losers Mark and Morgy (aka 15 aka Morgs aka Captain Morgan, aka the VP of Corruption).
Mark comes from a family of winners – with big brother Gerry and nephew Adam having won the big game – and actually won it just last season.
So we’re going to try and find out what’s wrong with him and what the deal was with those braids he had in his hair recently.
Morgs who is best known as the VP of Corruption and a co founder of the PHN also has a reputation for rarely hitting the net and turning up for games about 2 minutes before puck drop.
We’re going to try and find out if bad aim and being late is why he hasn’t won a championship in like a decade, which is half of the league’s history.
Could the 20th anniversary season turn these two tools into. triumphant winners?!
We’ll find out before the summer is over!
But first we’re going to learn how Morgy is feeling about this half lifetime of losing!
Ok Morgs thanks for doing this interview. Can you remember anything about your last PHN championship and if so – what’s standing out?
Truthfully, it’s foggy for me….but I remember making a key repair to the cup with a former NHL goalie at PHN headquarters and then promptly drinking from the bowl of the cup later that night to celebrate while the godfather asked me if it was safe to do so……
Yeah hygiene in the PHN is always a question and the cup seems like a bowl of ecoli for sure. So is listeria or some kind of gastro issue why it’s been so long since you’ve won? Or bad captains every season? Or some specific player like GF, Kuz or Tsanger?
The cup is an elusive trophy, like trying to get the Godfather invite to Friday night shinny. I don’t care what 25 says about Tsanger, I think he’s a great guy and wish I could share a championship pound of sweet chilly wings out of the cup Bobby Lwango style…..
Tsanger is not even on your team right now so are you saying you don’t want to eat wings out of the cup with the Godfather? Or saying you don’t believe the Whalers have a chance this season?
Look, we have Alfie and GF and me. The rough odds are we have a 1 in 4 chance of winning, but the real odds are probably a lot lower. I mean Dunner is one of our top scoring players, so we might be sentimental favourites, but that’s about it.
I thought Moe on the Seals was the sentimental favourite?
Has he done an interview yet?
No
Well then how can he be favourite?
Fair point but this is your interview 15, your 15 minutes of fame. How sorry should PHN’ers feel for you?
Don’t cry for me Argentina…..I will win the cup again. I won’t take my victory for granted this time…..when you’re young you feel like the party is never going to stop….but now I see how truly special it is to win in this league. When I win I’m going to do it up right this time…..I hope the Warrior will help me plan an epic night….that guy knows how to celly a championship.
Man you’re old. Don’t cry for me Argentina? This ancient song might be on your gramophone but the young guys in the league might think this is some kind of weird reference to Messi.
And for players who don’t know The Warrior is a PHN legend and billionaire who owns a super yacht and private club where a past PHN franchise The Mustangs partied hard.
Anyway, as the VP of Corruption what’s stopping you from buying a championship? Do you suck at everything?
Look, I can’t confirm or deny that I have tried to influence games over the years by slipping refs some extra cash or maybe having the godfather deploy horse’s heads in certain opponent’s beds…..but what I can tell you is I’m awesome at corruption…
Well we’ll see if that pay out pays off this time. What will your daughter say to you if you come home as a loser yet again in the 20th anniversary season?
Look, my daughter has already told me that if I don’t win, I should consider hanging them up and focusing pickle ball. She said that she can’t work towards greatness in her own hockey career if the family name is tarnished by a washed up former OCAA bronze metal champion….
Bronze metal? Do you mean Bronze medal?
Doesn’t matter because she even told me there should be no medal for 3rd place.
Anyway, a current teammate told me he can teach anyone to play pickle ball even if I don’t have a paddle, he can teach me to use a frying pan..
Ok well now we know your retirement plans, you better startt working out if that frying pan is cast iron.
So enough with that loser.
We have another whiny Whaler who can’t win to profile!
Now we’re going to find out why Mark is the sad emo boy of his family, while his bother and nephew are PHN champions.
Mark, how does it feel knowing that your brother and nephew are both PHN champions and you are …. not?
It hurts, it pains me. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think of before bed. I’ve been recently taking pregame showers as well to calm my anxiety and nerves down.
Wow you really are an emo boy about this. Have you considered writing a song like something by Snow Patrol?
I love that band.
Of course you do. They’re really sensitive, But you kind of have hair that is more like Ritchie Sambora the guitarist in Bon Jovi, which is to say you have some serious hockey hair, At this point do you feel like you should have won a championship already just for your hair?
I mean, I’ve been saying this for years, there should be some sort of hair award in the PHN, but I can’t accept a SHIP just because of my locks..
I wanna ask you about those braids you had going on but we have to move on. When your brother and nephew are gloating about being champions do you just flip your hair and say F you guys?
I flip it, twirl it and run a boar bristle brush through it whilst giving the finger.
But for me the best revenge would be a seals/whalers finals where I put the game away on my bro on a breakaway in OT after a turnover from Adam.
The next family BBQ is going to be fun after this comes out. But new topic have you considered changing your red pants and helmet to another colour to see if that helps you win?
I don’t think I can ever part with the red set up I have. I was thinking that if we do win it all this season though, I’d go with an all gold set up next year, but that’s a bit too flashy right? Ashton?
You have a hot young girlfriend who comes to all your games, even though you wear those read panties. How long do you think she’ll stay with you if you don’t win the big game?
She’s not coming to the games for me guys! She’s secretly learning everything about hockey so that she can suit up in the PHN one of these years and be the first female not named Joe to win the scoring title!
Whoa, was not expecting that motivational quote for Joe’s bulletin board!
Nice one Mark!
Captain Marco calls it as he sees it, including a drone shot
To round out these long time loser profiles we have to hear from Whalers Captain Marco who has the burden of leading this guys and his part timer son Matty who has never won the big game and the flashy forward we call Moretti (like the beer), who has abandoned his teams and skipped the last two championship games.
Marco how bad do you feel for Morgan, who as the VP of Corruption has not even been able to buy a championship in at least a decade?
I really feel bad for Morgan and the pressure he feels on not being able to win a championship for so many years.It is really gettting to him. I dont want to throw him under the bus BUT he was seen buying a drone and trying to get Nate the rookie of our team to fly it over the ice during the Caps practice sessions to get the advantage.
That really is cheating, even if everyone does it! Why did you draft a guy who can’t win the big game what 2 times in a row?
Really there are two main reasons we drafted Morgan. First we thought we all get some free Blakbak sticks and swagbut that has not turned out to be true Secondly we thoufght he would be in China far more than he has been. We thought he would miss more games so it would increase our ice time.
Wow, shocking that this strategy failed! What do you think the chances are Morgs’ time to win has come?
As a big leaf fan and always saying …. well there is always next year might shed some light on why the Vegas sportsbook odds on Morgan winning the championship don’t look favorable.
What about Mark? He’s got great hair, a hot girlfriend and a fast car. He comes from a family of winners. How ready is he for a championship?
I think Mark’s head space is a little f’ed up. I blame this whole pickle ball craze. He seems conflicted on being a tennis pro when his real passion seems to be pickle ball.!!!!!!He even keeps his pickle ball racket in his hockey bag,
Until he can soley focus on Hockey I sadly feel he is not ready to for the PHN championship. Although he has the championship blood in his family , their sole focus is on hockey. commited to ONE sport….passionate about One sport …Hockey.
Are you sure it’s not just him listening to too much Snow Patrol?
Yeah that doesn’t help either.
Ok so there is a lot of loser baggage on the Whalers for you guys to overcome. But does Doc really need any more PHN championships after winning 5 or 6 in a row?
Does anyone ever get tired of being a Champion…… if you do then you should not be playing the game. Does Doc ever get tired of saving lives in the Emergency Room at the hospital….. I think not!!! He is wired to be a Chanp thats why I selected him as my Co Captain…… plus if I personally have a medical emergency on the ice I could count on him to try to save my ass.
OK PHN nation you’ve heard it here first, don’t draft Morgs for free Blakbak gear and Mark thinks PHN scoring leader Joe B is a chick, even though it’s Mark who wears braids in his hair.
Not that there is anything wrong with being a chick or braids.
In any event these two long tine losers are great guys and champs in spirit if not in reality.
Good luck Morgs and good luck Mark and good luck to the Whalers who have now pissed off two families and two teams!
Now the question is will Moe and Pags keep ducking their interviews for long time loser profile # 4?!