PHN 2023 Summer Draft a smash success

and by smash success we mean somehow 4 teams were picked

The PHN Summer draft was something of a technical disaster, but from a scouting and team building perspective it was a smash success.

There was plenty of drama before the first pick was announced, as major shakeups well ummmm well pretty much shook up the leadership of the league.

Also a massive comeback was announced and the VP of Corruption, who usually presides of the draft circus in person, was relegated to chirps from China.

The veep was sent there to start put the wheels in motion for a massive merch order to support the PHN’s upcoming 20th anniversary season!

The slapshots heard around the world

So first off, the shocker of the draft was three captains being fired in a management bloodbath.

First, ownership of the Nords, the Ashton Renovations empire, smoked Captain Mo.

In a statement the company said “We wish this teddy bear success in some cartoon world, but for our PHN franchise we want a leader who at least understands the taking the Toilet Bowl is not a real world victory.”

In another decisive front office move the Caps sent Captain Mike packing after their epic meltdown in the semi-finals.

In a statement the Caps owners Straw Construction Group said, “unfortunately Captain Mike could not pilot our incredibly talented team to the kind of high flying success we expect and our fans expect.”

The statement also said the franchise is looking for someone who can swing a hammer and “manage the politics of the PHN with more aplomb.”

Not sure what that means?

Well “aplomb” is not the sound you hear when you’re taking you’re a dump.

Click here for help.

In the Whalers front office, team owner and smile maker Dr. D fired Captain Marcote for a lack of commitment to the team after having a second child.

“That’s a bad attitude and lack of focus” said Dr. D.

“I can’t let that go. I want to win and win now. So I am making myself a captain and ready to make a mark on the PHN. Starting now the Whalers are going to look and play my way.”

Under the new regime at the Whalers, co-captain Dunner is on probation.

Picks and Pans

The dirty details of the draft

So the draft started about 25 minutes late because a captain and PHN Executive who shall remain nameless were pulled over for erratic driving on the way to the event at Casa DiCarlo (TM).

The driver of the electric car was allegedly swerving all over the road because his ginger passenger felt compelled to see if he could moon the drivers of semi trucks through the “moon roof.”

And PHN draft broadcasts feel to another new low when past PHN’er The Warrior was overheard making drug deal at his tennis club and then took the live call with him to drain the lizard in the locker room.

New Whalers captain Dr. D says picking a team easier than pulling teeth

Sticking with the very quotable and charismatic Dr. D, the Whalers draft was a family affair.

Asked how felt about the pressure of the draft Dr. D said, “Dude, I drill out and pull teeth, make fillings look invisible, picking a few hockey players, no problem.”

Dr. D picked his own son, cousins Niner and Justino, and the VP of Corruption.

“I don’t care how we win”, said Dr. D, “also I have a number of potential co-captains, including my son.”

Also on the roster, the GF, Jo Liebs the Croation Sensation, and new guys DoCo and Shyguy.

DoCo is a back up tendie and cagey forward, and Shyguy is expected to provide brash and brawny net front presence.

Jessie the body is between the pipes.

Seals take slick new kids and the comeback kid

Poppa and Jo Barbs fresh off a championship have completely reshaped their squad.

The got Danny T in goal, and picked PHN favourites Kuz, Tsanger, Hildo and Sammy B. They also signed slick skater Matt Motorelli to a deal.

“We like our vets,” said Daddy Dom, “but we have alot riding on some new kids and a comeback kid.”

Those new kids are Connor NotMcDavid and Nickey Damnation – new recruits from the PHN development league in Brampton.

A lot of attention goes them but there’s also AK-47, a trigger happy go lucky character guy ready to dish out some comedy, and a former low budget action movie hero.

Then there’s the comeback kid, 2-5, Jason C.

Can the veteran PHN founder, who has been rebuilt with after market parts for several joints in his old man body, still skate?

Can he still shoot?

Will he remember how to put on his gear?

All of this is unknown.

Nords hope to score with “Core 4”

Quebec City superheroes the Nordiques stuck with some tried and true players for Summer 23.

Back with the Nords is the “core 4” – Captain Pags, both of the Finisters, Mike and Par, as well as super sniper Mark Italiano.

Joining Mark is keeper bro Gerry Italiano, so we see if these blood relatives can bury the hatchet after last season’s family feud.

Maxy Max, The Arson, the Dominator, D-Rock and returnees A-Ron Sago, and Jake T fill out the roaster along with one other tall lanky guy.

Pags surprised the league with his hire of disgraced former Caps captain, Captain Mike.

Captain Mike was a draft no show, perhaps because he put his phone on “shame” mode and didn’t get any texts or vm’s to tell him he’d been hired.

Pags reminded the other captains several times that the last time he drafted a team solo he won the championship.

“It’s true” said Pags. “I’m totally comfortable doing things by myself.And today’s a special day for that, actually May 28th is my favourite day of the year.”

Caps put fashion over function

The Caps didn’t just make a statement on draft day they made a fashion statement.

In what appears to be a move designed to frustrate the team’s owners, Captain “Adult Film Star” Alfie hired Nords reject Captain Moe to help run the squad.

Team owner Jerry P will be keeping a close eye on this tandem.

Does Moe have more aplomb than Captain Mike? Unclear.

Should he be better at swinging a hammer on the job site.

Depends if his shoulder is better.

Anyway, Moe likes to look good and that’s just part of the fashion statement.

The Caps clearly got confused and watched this Making the Cut reality series instead of this Making the Cut, the OG version.

Most of their picks where taken because they look like hockey players (Bulldog, JS, JP, Adam Italiano) or ex hockey players (Cheesy).

The Caps also brokered the first trade of the season: sending Maxy Max to the Nords for Wedge aka “Jakob the younger.”  

The reason, simply put, vanity; Wedge’s red helmet and red pants.

Fashion over function some might say.

Then they rounded things out with a fitness and strength training specialist AT, and Doc J who can write scrips for painkillers and ‘roids.

They also got the last new guy, Paul NotCoffey, who was scouted as a big dealing and wheeling blueliner.

Monday night mayhem!

That your draft recap.

Welcome new guys and returnees.

Boys get to the rink early for your games so you can get sorted and get on the ice on time!

See you there!