Playoff Preparations: Get the Popcorn!
With the last game of the regular season coming Monday, only 2 PHN teams left their rosters intact.
Meanwhile, 4 squads took action to set themselves up for a run at the championship.
The North Stars, suddenly loaded with defencemen after the shocking departure of #9 and Jesus a month ago for stud D men Adam “Danger” Harvey and Joe “The Flow” Lapiccirella, made a move to pick up more scoring.
Managers Matthews and Funnell dealt away Russian shutdown expert and part time ballet dancer Alex “Baryshnikov” Zaritsky to the Wendy’s for Chris “sometimes a sniper” Marchese.
Zaritsky, possibly the only PHNer not playing goal who can do the splits and get his leg onto a high bar, will bring a couple of key qualities to the Wendy’s says manager Dom Barbuto.
“AZ is the beginning and the end of the alphabet” says Barbuto “and we expect him to to shut down opposing forwards in 26 different ways.” Speaking of language, the Wendy’s are now going to have a back end capable of some baffling chirps on the ice and off in Russian or Italian. “Another reason we traded for Alex is that our goalie Andre refused to play anymore unless we traded for another vodka drinking comrade. He was tired of hearing Italian in the room.”
The Wendy’s also expect to be a much more flexible team, with Zaritsky leading the team in stretching before the game, something the North Stars mocked as being too girly.
“Look at us,” said Matthews, “do any of us we seem like guys who should be in a leotard?”. Co captain Funnel agreed. “I don’t have any music for stretching,” said the Latvian, “though I’ve heard it’s good for forest nymphs.”
Marchese, widely known as ‘Cheese,’ comes with a contract loaded with special clauses. That’s why Matthews had to explain Cheese is only sometimes a sniper to the Stars before the Cheese’s first game in green. “ As some of you are aware, Cheese only goes bar down and will only accept passes that are on his tape. This is clearly stated in his contract. If you pass the puck to him and he needs to work for it he will not get it and it will be considered your fault…not his!”
In the other big trade done just before the deadline, the cloud of mystery around number 9 Chris Ashton is just getting bigger.
As PHN fans know, Ashton recently married in Costa Rica and had a secret beach hallucination involving a black stallion. That hazy vision, possibly induced by chemicals, resulted in him trading himself and Steven ‘Jesus’ Bertolo to the Mustangs.
The shocking move rattled the league’s fan base, as most believed Ashton would be buried in green before donning a red shirt.
Bertolo though had a bigger issue. He was not impressed with his buddy #9 suddenly following an animal god. The strife led to Mel Dawg and Ashton dishing off Bertolo to the Flames for Stefan Jacobelli.
Mel Dawg says he doesn’t care what faith anyone on his team follows. “We’re the PHN’s most progressive organization. As long as we win and honour Mustang Sally, I’m don’t care if the team wants to believe in unicorns.”
The Oil didn’t make any moves before the deadline. They’re facing the ‘Stangs in round one of the playoffs.
Oil captain Dunner had this to say about the Mustangs latest moves.
“They look strong. I mean for most of the season my little pony could have been on their jersey instead of a wild mustang, but now it’s a different team. They’re snorting out there and pawing the ice. Maybe some urine tests are in order before the playoffs.”
The Chiefs only did one deal all season, picking up Rodney “Bambi” Lau, from the Oil.
Chiefs GM Alfie Yuen believes his team is built for the playoffs. “I’ve said all season, we are built for the playoffs,” said Yuen, “I mean other than the possibility Jay Stevens could be away, we are totally built for the playoffs.”
Lau says he’s only got one thing on his mind, revenge on his old team. “I really want a shot at The Oil. I f’ing hate those guys. Forget Bambi, I’ve grown into a new Disney character. You can call me Simba from now on.”
Yup. The playoffs are around the corner. Get the popcorn!