Roddy’s Ready! PHN 20th anniversary season long time loser profile # 1

Super stud wants a win for his many many many kids

He’s a man with almost as many nicknames as he has children.

Actually that’s not true he has a handful of nicknames but more children than anyone – including himself – can count.

He’s Bambi, aka Rodzilla aka Rod the Bod aka as of today Roddy.

And despite being the most fertile player the PHN has ever seen, and having cradled countless children is his arms, the Rodster has never cradled the precious PHN championship trophy.

Could the 20th anniversary season turn this tragedy into triumph?

We’ll find out before the summer is over but first we’re going to find out how Rod the Bod is feeling about this lifetime of losing!

Rodzilla, you’ve never won a PHN championship after how many years?

It’s been 5 years … so like 10 seasons I think. It’s a painful memory that I have blocked out of my mind. Just like I blocked the memory of wearing a condom.

Why do you think you’ve never won? 

Probably because I played for my team in the playoffs. Can I somehow play for all the other teams and lose then  celebrate with the Caps when we win?

So Bambi you have like 14 children.  Tell me how badly you want to win for all of them to be a role model, and what would a PHN championship party look like with your massive family?

Listen you’ve just upset like half my family. It’s 27 children! 

I want the championship win as badly as D-Rock wants to crush the butterflies on the Seals.

I’m not sure what this means. Is this a Disney reference Bambi?  What butterflies? Wouldn’t some kind of aquatic reference make more sense?

Shut up. Do you watch kid’s movies all day or have you ever listened to Baby Shark on repeat for 3 weeks? Nothing makes sense.   

Anyway the PHN championship party would be a pretty big let-down. After every playoff game, I look like the 83 Islanders (“We walked by their locker room in the corridor and saw after they won they were too beat up to really enjoy it and savor the victory at that moment,” said Gretzky.).

Oh wait, that’s just cuz I”m out of shape…

Roddy you’re good buddies with Alfie – and despite being terrible he’s won a few championships. What does that do to you inside?

Alfie cheats by using this thing called stimpaks. Before every playoff game, he injects himself with it and turns into playoff Alfie. I only do steroids as you can tell with my incredibly muscular physique so obviously I get roid rage when I think about Alfie’s many championships. 

How sorry should PHN’ers feel for you that you’ve never won the big game? 

Sympathy is for losers…oh wait, that’s me.

Ok Rod the Bod what do you think your chances are this summer and why?

With Jonny and D Rock as our captain, all the way baby! (Cuz Jonny will healthy scratch me)

Ok so you’ve heard it from Rod the Bod.

He’s not asking you to let him win. But he is saying he can’t win without plays for his own team?

To learn more about how ready Rod the Bod is to be a winner we spoke with Captain D- Rock of the Caps.

D-Rock has multiple championships and knows what it takes to win.

D-Rock how bad do you guys think Rodzilla wants this?

Rod the bod needs a championship to score a big payday on his next PHN contract. He needs to feed his 15 kids somehow.

You guys didn’t draft any rookies because you wanted serious players. Why did you take a guy who seriously has never won the finals?

We wanted somebody who was hungry to win, and who would be hungrier than somebody who needs to feed 20 kids?

That sounds like a Nick trick …

It is – how do you know?

Do you have a hidden camera in our room?

He’s kind of upset artistic swimming for men is not an Olympic category yet.

Ok guys the stakes are high for the PHN’s super stud!

Good luck Rodzilla!

Coming soon – your next PHN 20th anniversary season long time loser profile!