Rookie round up – 20th year anniversary edition!
Meet the newbies going for summer 2024, plus learn about the Nords total rebuild
The stellar PHN 20th anniversary season has a stellar crop of rookies.
The PHN has a media clauses in entry level deals, so all the rookies had no choice but to comply with the rookie questionnaire!
We have five – that’s right five – new guys trolling the ice this summer.
Now it’s time to troll them with their rookie profiles!
Nate the Great
Age: 22
Position: RW
Shoots: R
Highest Level Played: Select Tier 2
Hockey Heros: Sidney Crosby
Favourite thing about PHN: Opportunity to come out and kick some ass on the ice
Pregame meal: Chef’s choice
Captain comment: “The guys a fukin animal and hates anyone on the opposing team,” said Captain Marco. “I don’t know animal and hate are pretty strong words, said Captain Doc, “my diagnosis is he’s a good guy and he plays hard.”
What the PHN paparazzi wants to know though is how he affords a personal chef on the PHN rookie salary!
Boyfriend Jake
Age: 29
Position: D
Shoots: L
Highest level of hockey played: Jr. C
Hockey heros: Mats Sundin, Tie Domi, Tiger Williams.
Fav thing about PHN so far and why: The California themed pregame playlist because 2pac gets us going. The guys in the league all play with respect which is important. Above all else, after 8 years, it just feels good to be back on the ice.
Pregame meal: Pesto Linguine.
Captain Comment: “We think Jake’s a great player and an absolute beauty in the locker room,” said Captain Pags. “As for what he brings to the rink, it’s usually his hockey bag and his girlfriend. Hence his nickname “Boyfriend Jake”!”
Nords Newbies a 3 pack!
Anthony the Animal
Age: 23
Position: LW
Shoots: L
Highest level played: A
Hockey Heroes: Alex Ovechkin, Cole Caufield
Favorite thing about PHN: The professionalism of the league (music, refs, well organized) and the people
Pregame meal: Pasta
Captain’s Comment: ” I like this kid, he yaaked on the bench during the first game,” said Captain Niner, “and he’s since made sure to eat meals at least 3 hrs before game time. He actually is an animal we are just not sure which one. He has the speed of a cheetah, and the agility of a hippo. One day it’s all going to come together. We’re hoping for playoffs.”
Brah Braden
Age: 23
Position: RW
Shoots: R
Highest level of hockey played: Select
Hockey Heroes: Mario Lemieux, Mitch Marner
Fav things about the PHN: The pace of the game, the atmosphere with the music, and the competitiveness is fantastic. The organization of the league is well put together from the top-down.
Pregame meal: Penne rosé from Ricci’s with a Diet Coke, 3-4 hours before game time.
Captain’s Comment: “This kid is intense, he ripped out his own wisdom teeth after an average performance on the ice a few weeks ago,” said Captain Niner. “He raises the bar for his fellow rookies, a take no prisoners kind of a guy. Big expectations for him come playoffs.”
What the PHN paparazzi wants to know though is how he affords to eat at Ricci’s on the PHN rookie salary! Oh I guess he’s saving money with his own dentistry. Also not sure why we called him Brah, other than its alliteration.
Franca Jr!
Age: 19
Position: Wherever needed
Shoots: L
Highest level of hockey played: House League (Red/Select)
Hockey heroes: Stamkos, McDavid
Fav thing about PHN so far and why: How clean the league it is, makes it safe competitive and fun
Pregame meal: Pizza
More Nords nonsense
So the Nords have a lot riding on rookies this season if the franchise hopes to be back in the finals and have a chance to win.
That said both of the Nords captains had a chance to win the finals last winter as spares for the Caps and blew it big time.
In fact, one of them was late to the game, despite actually being in the rink and fully dressed from the previous toilet bowl.
Still we’re entirely sure this organization is entirely professionally run. But just to make sure we asked Captain Dom if the Nords are professional.
“What are you talking about professional? Are you professional?” said Dom.
“If you did your research you’d know Anthony has ripped a page out of the Spaceman book and left for Greece for 2 weeks to take up some of the Spacemans off season dry land training techniques in the islands of Santorini – Souvlaki and orzo!! OPA!!”
“Also You didn’t even mention the most important thing about Anthony that he’s from Montreal so of course we drafted him because we’re the Nords and we need someone who knows the best strip bars in Montreal. Professional? Fuhgetaboutit.”
Caps crapping on rookies
Speaking of being serious about management you may have noticed that the Caps have didn’t draft any rookies.
We asked Caps captain D Rock what was up with that and he said ” The Capitals value veteran leadership. Plus our scouting dept decided to go on vacation right before the draft
He also said “if we had a rookie, we’d get them to clean out Jonny’s hockey bag and all his gear and getting that Downy fresh smell.”
So basically the Caps hate rookies, and would that them like Cinderella.
“Yeah we hate rookies, and we hate puppies too, we don’t have time to clean up after them,” said Captain Johnny, “winners pick up their own shit and wipe their own ass.”
“Also can you teach a rookie to do synchro D? I doubt it,” said Johnny.
Okay c’mon rookies are cute and somebody remind the Johnny about Ovie.
Welcome rookies to 3/4’s of the PHN lol!
