Seals swim away with Championship, Nords take seat on ‘cuvette de toilette’

Father son celebrations tarnished by three players suspiciously missing from the big game

The Seals finally won a championship after their inaugural 1967 season in a hard fought 1-0 victory over the Whalers.

The parity of the league was on display right to the very ending battle that saw both sides play lock down defence and trade near misses.

See the excellent video highlights here.

The victory was a huge moment for two father son pairs, the Barbs and the Italianos.

“This is huge,” said Dom Barbs.

“I’m going to play hockey forever. Also, I taught my son everything he knows.”

What’s not known is how many dumps Joe Barbs took before the game, or just how superstitious he is, but he took a record half dozen before the semi finals.

For the championship the king of Cannolis seemed a little constipated in the first couple periods.

He wasn’t dropping any bombs, or making things look Ex-Lax easy.

But he was in the right place and the right time with the game’s only goal on a deflection late in the third period.

He had the inside position on rival Marcote in front of the Whaler’s net.

“I shoulda known better” said Marcote.

“Goals are like shits” said Joe Barbs, “you can’t force them, but when you’re patient the big ones feel extra good.”

Also feeling extra good was Gerry Italiano with the shut out and a championship to share with his son.

“It’s kind of a Hollywood moment,” Italiano Sr.

Except without Rob Lowe, Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves.

“But you know Alex Bruno isn’t bad looking. And make sure you get this in, I also taught my son everything he knows.”

There are a bunch of other guys on Seals.

And congratulations to them as well.

But let’s not forget the Whalers can say they were the best managed, hardest partying team in the league.

But PHN fans have some burning questions.

Questions about three players.

Three players suspiciously missing from the big game

No Doc, GF gone and Maxi Max missing

Several players missed the big game without explanation.

Seals veteran Doc J could have set a PHN record if he was there to win his fourth straight championship.

But the Doc was a no show, and also missing for the past few weeks is the Whalers legendary coke tray.

“I’m sure Doc prescribed himself some powder” said Whaler Goldie, the last known whaler to have the tray.

“He stole it from my garage, and I couldn’t stop him because I was being hooked by another Seal while it was happening,” said Goldie.

“Check the video, it’s just like when Dom hooked me on the breakaway.”

Before you doubt Goldie’s story keep in mind a lot of doctors (and dentists, and lawyers and electricians and so on) have substance abuse issues.

Why wouldn’t you want to be there for your fourth straight championship?

Maybe because you’re somewhere singing “I can’t feel my face?”

That’s right.

Doc J let The Weeknd get away from him.

Partying hard with the singer who’s way better than Drake.

He needs a bigger high than winning.

The man who could not get away was Maxy Max.

Why did the Whalers star he miss the big game?

BECAUSE THE GODFATHER KIDNAPPED HIM, that’s why.

In the craziest mob move ever seen in the PHN, Poppa Barbs assigned the GF to make sure Max could not make it to the game.

In fact,  the GF held Max’s entire family hostage at Great Wolf Lodge in Niagara Falls.

True fucking story.

Spanking French ass

In Toilet Bowl action the Caps demolished the Nords making the Nords the ‘cuvette de toilette’ winners.

Er losers.

Adult film star Alfie out played Nords back up keeper JS, who was smoked by the Dominator, Niner, and Kuz among others.

“It felt great to spank some french ass,” said The Dominator, talking about his pre game ritual the night before at a local fetish club.

“Winning was good too.”

When asked about his poor showing in the Wedge, aka ‘Jacob the Younger,’ turned on his captains.

“It’s only a poor showing if the league doesn’t follow through and fire those two hacks that were at the helm of this team. That’s what they get putting me on defence!”

(Apparently Wedge’s dad, a stalwart d man, did not teach his son everything he knows.)

“The Nords were always destined for a championship, it was what we strived for since day one,”  said Captain Moe, holding back tears.

“I just forgot to clarify which championship.”

Liebs living it up as two-timing champ

But not every Nordique is a loser.

Jo Liebs became the first PHN’er to win the Toliet Bowl and the championship in the same night.

“We knew Jo Liebs was gonna bring home both championships in one night,” said Captain Pags, revealing his reverse psychic gift.

” I just thought it’d be the seals getting the toilet bowl and us getting the big one.”

The two timing champ Liens had this to say to the whole league.

“The customary French greeting to to kiss on both cheeks. I’m Croatian so you can double kiss my ass cheeks. See you this summer!”