Secrets of the Seals REVEALED!
The scoop on Joe’s PED program, Mark’s vampire sleep routine and more!
The Seals are vying to be the first ever PHN dynasty to win three championships in a row and the club does have the second most wins this season so far.
While they recently slid into 3rd place after being thumped by the Nords for 2nd time, there are still lots of people who want to know what the secrets are for some of key players on the team and just how they keep California cruising!
Lucky for you – PHN scribe got some answers in exclusive interviews with Dom, Joe, Mark and Tommy!
Here in shocking detail are the secrets of Seals.
Joe and Dom thanks for doing this.
Joe, let’s start with you. People are saying that you’re game is next level and it’s because you’re on drugs – PED’s specifically – performance enhancing drugs.
Are you still claiming that it’s just pre-game egg noodles?
Joe: That’s right. It’s egg noodles and 2 espressos followed by 4-6 pre game shits.
Ok that’s a lot of dumps. But what brand of egg noodles is it then?
Joe: Aurora Fettuccini.
Do you eat the noodles or snort them?
Joe: I actually put them in a blender with the sauce and drink it 3 hours before game time. I call it the Italian Stallion Smoothie.
That sounds like you could snort it. Do you include shards of the Parmigiano rind in your bolognese sauce?
Parmigiano reggiano and pickled eggplants right on top. Loads of both.
Costco bulk is where I get them. I usually grab a skid at a time. The price per unit works out to about 1.50 a pack. I had to rent a storage unit just to keep it all.
That’s interesting that you say that Joe because when I spoke to your dad earlier he said you weren’t on any drugs or noodles, but that if you were taking noodles that it would be Molisana egg noodles.
Dom: Did I say that?
Yes, yes you did.
Dom: well that’s not what I meant. What is the big obsession with egg noodles this is not an approved pre game meal of the Seals? Also who told you about the Parmigiano rind in the bolognese?
I’m asking the questions here Dom. So you guys want to get your story straight?
Dom: Are you a narc? STFU. We’ll never reveal our secret but whatever I’m doing he’s doing the same. We’re family.
Was it you who introduced him to those egg noodles?
Dom: I’m not saying I did. If he was doing egg noodles he’s Italian he’d figure it out by instinct just the same way he finds the net.
Ok this seems like s sensitive subject for you two, but let’s take a look at the PHN Player survey.
Question three of the survey asked Is Joe B on drugs – like PED’s (performance enhancing dugs)?
A whopping 81% of guys said in one way or another they believe you’re on PED’s.
7 guys on your own team will pee in a cup for you.
9 guys around the league are sure you’re amped up every game.
14 guys say you needs the smack to keep up with your Dad.
So Joe only 10% of guys believe this egg noodle thing. Another 8 % of guys don’t know what to believe and think you should be tested. Who would you want to pee in that cup for you when the PHN drug tests start?
Joe: Definitely would have to be Gus. The guy treats his body like a temple.
He’s not on your team but I’m sure you could work something out.
Dom, let’s come back to the drugs question but for you. Have you ever used ANY kind of PED?
Dom: I’m almost 62, how else do you expect me to keep up?
But what about the added pressure Joe feels to live up to you as a body building champion?
Dom: Wait. Body building?? Have you seen my body?
Joe: Pops, don’t be modest. I’ve always done my best to keep up with The Unicorn. He’s a freak of nature. He definitely motivates me to play hard and has instilled competitiveness in me since I was a kid. He showed no mercy on anything we played growing up kicking my ass in every sport. Besides being great at hockey, he’s a multi sport athlete. The guy doesn’t miss when it comes to sports.
I need to bring Mark and Tommy into this now – guys it’s pretty clear your team captains are using something, do you thinking being clean is hurting your careers?
Mark: I think if I was to not be clean, I’d be closing in on all of Joes PHN’s records so it might be hurting me a bit yeah.
Tommy: My body’s a temple, always gotta keep it clean.
Funny, I feel like I’ve heard this about another guy anyway …
Joe: Yo look there is no way Mark is on PEDs. Have you seen the hog on this guy? Tommy and Mark have been a deadly combo. We had to split them up with me moving on D so it’s anyone’s game. Mark has legs for days and we are undefeated when Tommy is playing music for us pre game.
Ummmm, Joe you have no comment about Tommy’s hog?
Tommy: Seriously? You guys are so juvenile. I don’t think of it as a hog, it’s more of an Anaconda.
Mark: Last game, Tommy and Joe showered together and refused to let me in, so they’re up to something, but I can’t say for sure.
Maybe we should move on. Mark if Joe wasn’t on PEDS would you or Tommy be the team’s leading scorer?
Dom: Let me take that. Neither of them, the Godfather would be leading but he is sandbagging, Alfie has been training him.
Mark: Actually lately I have been on a line with GF and he’s been feeding me the puck all night right on the tape, so it has to be me.
Mark, does this whole egg noodle PED scandal shock you at all?
Mark:Dom and Joe will do anything to win, so I’m not shocked they are doing everything in their power to gain an advantage.
Since you’ve resisted the pressure to use egg noodles and PED’s what’s your secret Mark?
Mark: I’m sticking with my cocktail of a pregame Timmy’s espresso and red bull.
But with your side hustle as a tennis pro making part of your living of looking like a stud you must be taking something for hair growth? What is it?
Mark: No supplements here, I am remaining clean…I actually sleep hanging upside down like a bat, blood flow to the scalp is the trick. Forget egg noodles, good flow will help you score more on and off the ice!
Tommy, you have a vampire as a teammate, as well as a unicorn in Dom. Plus your dad is also kind of unicorn. What are you taking to keep up to him? Are you sure you aren’t on egg noodles?
Tommy: HAHA I actually hate eggs so it’s pretty easy to say no.
Is it weird to play with unicorns and a vampire? Any other freaks on the Seals?
Well sometimes Jeff dresses like Harry Potter and there are a couple guys on the team who could have a side hustle as Santa if they went for a beard.
So you guys talk openly about wanting to three-peat as PHN champs.
Joe: Yup The three-peat is top of mind with the potential of me and pops splitting up. We want to end our long tenure as captains together on top!
Tommy: The three peat would be special, the boys in seal country are doing everything in their power to make it happen.
It would make you guys pretty lucky. Do you have a team policy about getting lucky on the night before a game?
Joe: No hot stuff before a game! Dom: Women weaken legs.
If the Seals win the league this season while Joe is on egg noodles should the league certify the victory?
Dom: There should be a full blown investigation into all 3 Titles and if its revealed that there is anything illegal going on I’m sure the VP of Corruption would love to join the Seals next year.
True Story.