So long Double Dumps!
Bulldoze that barn say PHN’ers, new rink to be announced soon
Boys, the PHN Scribe asked around and asked around again.
Let me tell you it was hard to find a soul with any love left for the our old rink, not so affectionately known as “Double Dumps.”
“I can’t comment on this until I hear it’s actually over and bulldozed,” said Niner. “Even then… might be an improvement…. I guess that’s my comment.”
So, here’s the deal.
Soon we’ll announce our new home for summer – back in the north central part of the GTA.
We’re never going back to “Double Dumps” so whatever your last memory of the place is, well that’s your last memory of the place.
Mine is of sewer gas in the dressing rooms, but I also recall a couple championships and a couple bitter big game losses.
One last visit
The Scribe and GF recently visited the rink one last time to clean out out the media centre and storage locker.
GF was spooked and glad he was not alone.
“It was weird,” said GF. “I brought my cordless grinder in case it became like the movie Saw.”
The scribe can confirm it was dark and that the grinder was actually used to cut open a couple lockers.
Despite having a power tools, neither he not GF went into the “corner of death.”
“Way too dicey,” said GF, “we wanted to come out alive.”
JS, currently plying his trade for the PHN’s Nords, came out of the rink alive but after about 15 years of hockey there, came up with not so high a compliment for the barn.
“Best high ankle sprain I’ve ever had,” said JS.
Memories, fuggetaboudit
Double Dumps has been the league’s home since about 2009 though so there are a lot of PHN old-timers who can’t remember much thanks to PTSD or years of substance abuse.
However a few of those veteran players did have lots to say, so PHN newbies listen up!
Sure some of you might not have met the head of the PHNPA, Mel Dawg.
Some of you have only a vague idea of who Steve “Turbo” is and most of you have no clue who 2-5 is, but take my word for it, he’s living legend.
If you have doubts, just ask Tsanger the Banger, who’s ass has never been the same since 2-5 unloaded a half dozen snapshots into it over just one season.
They were on the same team.
Once upon a time ‘Double Dumps’ was da bomb
Going back in time, Double Dumps was once da bomb and one of the very best rinks in the GTA.
It opened in the early 1960’s according to Mel Dawg, who first skated there in 1968.
Yes, 1968.
Back then Mel Dawg was a hippie wearing bell bottoms.
And almost all PHN’ers – except a few – had yet to be born.
Some would not be born for another two decades.
It was around then, sometime in the late 1980’s or early 90’s, that the last maintenance was done at the rink – long before the PHN got there.
Back then Much Music was still releasing Big Shiny Tunes on CD!
People carried pagers or beepers, not cell phones.
Windows 95 was a thing.
And teams like The Oilers, Penguins (x2), and Mark Messier led Rangers were winning Stanley Cups.
Steamy and dreamy
Mel’s memories of the Double Dumps PHN days are a bit romantic.
He recalls watching a Stanley Cup Final while sitting in the press box.
Which means he saw at least one exciting game while at the rink.
But he also remembers when league organizer Captain Morgan and 2-5 ran a pro shop there and had “midnight madness” sales of BlackBak gear.
Plus, there were hot summer nights when players could “bring their bathing suits because the ice was a lake” and that one special night when the power lines were cut and a glow in the dark puck would have been helpful.
For his part Steve Turbo remembers painting the league logo at centre ice one July.
“I showed up in shorts and sandals because it was 30 degrees outside and proceeded to freeze my nuts off,” he said.
So sometimes the chillers did work well!
Fine dining and bad hygiene
Another PHN co-founder 2-5 somehow has combined flashbacks of fine dining and bad hygiene at the rink into one twisted tale.
For those of you who don’t know, 2-5 is like an 85 year-old man in a 50 year-old’s body, but who can chirp you like a 25 year-old college kid who’s invincible.
The studly father of twins is literally being rebuilt like the Six Million Dollar Man with two new hips and a new shoulder.
He says he’ll someday make a PHN comeback, but we’re not sure who would sign him unless Adult film star Alfie is running a team. His scouting has always been a bit suspect.
Anyway, in his PHN prime 2-5 was part of a team that could not win a game but assigned a player to cater a post game meal at the rink every week.
“The Oil, and I mean the ORIGINAL OIL had the most epic culinary tradition of all time. From full blown Popeye’s meals with corn and biscuits post game, Zett’s Greek spread, to the GF with a table setup of veals,” said 2-5.
Yes. You read this right.
They brought food into those dressing rooms and somehow nobody died of botulism.
At the time the rink had a snack bar with a grill.
Goldie had many a pregame hot dog from that grill, just like Gretz used to have a pregame wiener and a coke and then light up his opponents.
But the 2-5’s Oil squad used the snack bar to top off their post game gratification.
“Rory from the snack bar would cook us custom player of the game awards, with triple burgers and peameal bacon packed as high as you as your face!”
So if that bit of hockey hedonism didn’t disgust you, consider this.
“Showering in Double Dumps for the better part of a decade made me resistant to so many things,” said 2-5, “and while I still got vaccinated for COVID, really, was it necessary after all the things I am resistant too from that nasty place?”
Thanks Double Dumps! You know what they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!!”
PHN road show continues for playoffs
The PHN studs will play out the season and playoffs on the road.
But summer season details and registration are coming soon!
It might even be a rink with working plumbing!
But look guys even in the NFL there are issues with facilities and unsafe weight rooms, nasty showers, even rats.
So we can all look back on Double Dumps as part of the true pro experience delivered by the PHN!
