Summer 2023 PHN Parity Trade Recap!

All the inside dope and back room deal talk here!

After a high stakes weekend of intense discussions to update the league player rankings after seeing the results of games one through five, the league’s Competition Committee dropped the hammer on parity trades to maintain the PHN’s high calibre level of competition.

“This is what we do,” said Mel Dawg, the head of the committee. “We rate players and we administer trades, and that produces the best product on the ice.”

Several captains and league veterans sit on the committee but their names are not released, both for their own protection, and to make sure they aren’t paid off to rig the rankings.

“That’s why I am not on the committee” said PHN VP of Corruption known to many as “15” and to others as the mascot of a populist brand of rum that is not Sailor Jerry.

“I could totally be paid off,” admitted the VP,  “in fact, that’s how guys get into the PHN when it’s allegedly full.”

Adult film star Alfie fired and traded after mid season melt down in gangbusters goalie swap

In the PHN’s biggest parity transaction, Caps keeper Adult Film Star Alfie was traded to the Seals for net minder Dapper Danner.

That’s right the Competition Committee both traded and fired a team captain.

Dapper Danner knew his days on the Seals were numbered.  “I like playing with guys my age, but this was a bit much” said Danner.

“It’s kinda more fun to think about shutting the door and shutting them up.”

Caps Captain Moe said it was just as well because he and Alfie were fighting over the team’s focus.

“He’s too sensitive for our team” said Moe.

“He was practically begging us to play defence with tears welling up in his eyes. What a meltdown. Like get real man, this is the Caps.  Look at the last semi final … defence? As if!”

Reached for comment the Adult Film Star said “look, I’m still making movies and in both porn and hockey I like being where the action is. The thing is I’m into giving poundings not getting them, so I look forward to playing on a team that can win and has good management. Suck it Moe.”

So will the defence be any better on the Seals – well – that’s an open question.

Hildo looks like he’s gripping that axe a bit tight, while Sammy can’t hold on to his stick.

The bionic 2-5, with all his new body parts and new skates, seems to have gotten scared to come to the rink as he’s missed the last three games.

And is an aging Dom Barbs able to keep up and teach any of the team youngsters what it means to play defensively?

The VP of Corruption says he doubts it, “but money talks.  I’ll change my opinion for a price.”

One things he won’t change his mind on – that the league’s first ever goalie captain is a legend.

“Look, Alfie has been a great leader and a great strategist as a captain. He literally perfected the art of sandbagging and people in flood zones should take lessons from him.”

Climate change aside though, the PHN thanks Alfie for years of service as a leader.

“He’s a great dude, super fun  and we look forward to him taking on a new role in league management.  With the right bottle of booze he can have my job,” said the VP.  “Alfie, call me!”

There’s additional news coming out of this blockbuster trade.

The change means goalies will be factored into the draft in a new way for winter!

Dougie DoCo dished to the Caps, Doc J swims back to Seals, Kuz goes green

The committee’s next move was one everyone wishes they could be a part of, which is a three way.

Whalers rookie Dougie Doco went to the Caps, primarily for a gross uniform violation, red pants.

(DiCarlo Jr. is getting away with his crimson panties because his dad is the team owner and captain.)

Then, the veteran Doc J went from the Caps to the Seals and finally The Kuz went from the Seals to the Whalers.

A hot trade to be sure, but DoCo was not impressed.

“I didn’t know I was on the block. I’m a singer and the GF had me on the team’s playlist.

“This is almost like being kicked out of a band. So I like red pants. So does Moretti and so does Wedge.  Red pants are cool with the kids.  Anyway I hear The Kuz plays guitar and sings. I bet it’s actually a ukulele. Whatever.”

Doc J was to busy saving lives to comment, but he’s won 4 championships in a row, the last one without even showing up.

As for The Kuz well he had a shot back at DoCo.

“He can try out for my band Ridin’ the Pine as a back up singer … if he’s willing to wear a skirt. And also I can shred on anything with strings… except a harp.”

No trades needed for the Nords

Not single parity trade touched the Nords, who sit tied for 2nd place and just one point behind the first place Seals.

The Competition Committee deemed the Nordique to be “parfait.”

“This team is complete,” said Mel Dawg, “a fine example of savvy pics, and smart trade at the draft.”

Once again Captain Pags wants it to be known that he picked this squad solo and the last time he drafted a team solo he won the championship.

“It’s true” said Pags. “I don’t need a committee to fix my team.  I know who’s a winner and who isn’t. And I pick winners.”

And winners can come to my stag party which is happening soon – DM me for details!”

Trade deadline passed

The league’s trade deadline has no passed so rosters are now locked and loaded for the playoffs with not a single voluntary trade done before the July 17 deadline.

Some league insiders think that this means all the captains hate each other.

Others say that it’s the job of leaders to believe in there players and inspire them.

If that’s the case the Caps could be in trouble.

The most active would-be-dealmaker was Captain Moe, now the loneliest captain in the league.

Insider reports have it that the isolated and sad manager tried to ship off one of his veterans for a pair of young legs from another squad.

Captain Moe said “I’m not worried about my team. Your worried about my team.”

See who should be worried about what tonight in the PHN – Seals vs Nords @ 8, Whalers vs Caps @ 9!