The PHN 20th Anniversary Summer Season Finals!

Moe vs Mark and Morgy, the 3M’s final

It’s the big time big game.

The PHN 20th Anniversary summer season championship!

Playing at 9 pm for the first most tarnished and second most cherished trophy in hockey and are the Seals and the Whalers.

The Seals landed at 13 points with a win and a loss in the round robin (4 set points + 6 for win + 3 for 3 goals or more margin).

The Whalers landed at 15 points (3 set points + 3 for the tie + 6 for the win +  3 for 3 goals or more margin).

But this is a game of legendary long time losers trying to become winners.

It’s Moe vs Mark and Morgy!

And we have exclusive pregame interviews here!

Moe ending his tale of woe?

The PHN paparazzi was thrilled to get Moe to agree to a an interview before the big game. Here we’re publishing the entire interview unedited so you can get all his controversial quips and hot takes!

Moe first of all congrats on getting into the finals – finally – since your rookie season.  What’s going through your mind thinking about the big game?

Before we get started I just wanted to say that the only reason I have taken this interview request is so that I don’t get  fined from the league and the VP of corruption. So you can fire away and ask all the questions you like but you will get the same answer. 

What’s going through my head? Not getting fined I think .

Wow, that’s really straight up man, thank you. One of your opponents is the VP of Corruption.  How likely do you think it is this game is fixed?

I’m just here so I won’t get fined

Amazing, that’s so insightful. Another of your opponents, Mark, is engaged in a blood feud with his brother and nephew who are on your team. What’s it like to have a family feud as part of your big game?

Family? Im just here so I don’t get fined

That must be tough to talk about. And because you’re so brave I’m also want to hear about how last season Marco and Doc made you the number one pick of the Whalers.  A career highlight right?  Now you have play them in the championship.  Do you have a hate on for these guys now or what’s it like to be facing them?

Pretty sure no one likes to get fined.

Okay, I know you want to get back to watching game tape and working out but Monday you’re up against 2 long time losers – are you twice as motivated as them?  What’s your message to those tools?

Ya, don’t get fined.

Well folks that’s a really focussed hockey player on the message track there and a man who clearly is upset by the number of parking tickets and infractions he’s faced as a Tesla owner and is taking that out on the press.

Something is in his “frunk” for sure.

So to get more insight into Moe’s headspace before the biggest hockey game of his life we decided to talk to a teammate who barely knows him.

Connor thanks for doing this. It’s pretty amazing that your buddy Nick has only one championship, and your other buddy Matthew really has never won one.

Haha yup

You have a chance to win your third final in a row in your third season in the league.  Moe has never won one and not even been in the finals since his rookie season eons ago. What advice do you have for him?

My advice for Moe is to just have fun and not suck on the ice.’

Moe has given two of the most boring interviews ever about his chance to win big.

Can you give him tips on how to do interviews that don’t suck?

Some interview tips would be to prepare beforehand and create a script so he knows what to say. But it will probably still suck.

What do you think of Moe’s game face? Is he looking fierce right now?

This is Moe’s game face

You’ve held the PHN Cup, if you were Moe and you won the championship would you tie it to the roof of your Tesla?

If I was Moe I would absolutely tie it to the roof and let everyone know that he is finally a PHN champion.

On the Seals Moe is a long time loser and there are two long time losers on the Whalers. Is this an advantage or disadvantage for the Seals? What’s your prediction for the big game?!

Having past losers and playing against them isn’t a big deal to me. We’re a great team and I know that we’ll be the winners tomorrow night no doubt in my mind.

Mark and Morgy mouthing off

Mark and Morgy are a pair of losers with big plans to change their reputations.

Will this interview and Monday’s game make a difference?

Let’s find out!

Guys, first of all congrats on getting into the finals.

Morgs what’s going through your mind thinking about the big game?

Look, I would be lying If I said I haven’t shit my pants at least once this week…and it’s not due to the undercooked shrimp I have been consuming on a daily basis while on my conditioning stint with the Dongguan Ice Dogs.  I’m nervous…….there are a lot of eyes on a guy who once upon a time could “get it done”…..living your life in the “glory days gone by” is no existence. My wife tells me that on a daily basis….but I still watch Magnum PI, it’s a great show….

Mark what about you?

Since finishing off Langer and the Caps, the biggest thought running through my mind is what socks should I wear for the big game… should I go with my batman/riddler inspired socks that Dunner bought me? My classic navy ones that I fired 4 goals passed Jessie in? Or should I go way off the board and actually rock team issued socks for once? This is truly killing me.  

Morgs you’re the VP of Corruption. Flat out is this game fixed?

Look, I wish it was but the new generation of the league management can’t be bought…I tried. A bottle of Sailor Jerry use to go a log way. Inflation is affecting all of us I differ ways I guess.

You guys are both long time losers.

To be fair, I’ve only really been a loser in the PHN, so let’s put the brakes on all that loser talk.

Um Mark it’s kind of the whole point here but I’m coming right back to you

Morgs, why do you think you deserve to win?

YES: All I do is win….except it the PHN.

Mark, why should you become a champion instead of Moe?

Every league needs a lovable loser and I don’t think anyone fits that bill better than Mo. He should finish his PHN career with as many championships as the same guy who used to wear #88 in the show.

Ummmmm burn lol.  Mark, this blood feud with your brother and nephew is about to go to a whole new level.

How much of the rest of the family is on your side – can you say?

It’s intense guys, me and my bro/nephew haven’t even spoke since last Monday, I tried calling my bro today and I think he actually blocked my number. We may need refs to be out there for warmups next week. But to answer the question, I can confirm that 99% of my family is on my side. I don’t want to name names but even Gerry and Adam’s dog Ellie is on the Whalers bandwagon. She bought all the trash talk I told her about those guys!

Wow, the dog? BURN! Morgan you want to add to this?

LOOK, I realize I’m not blood related to these guys, but I do have an autographed copy of Young Blood in VHS cassette form in my home office…..I will burn it if we lose to that “Hollywood Douche bag” of a goalie. Ever since Gerry turned Hollywood he’s forgotten about what matters…hockey.

I mean yah, it’s great that he got offered a spot in MI -32 with Tom Cruise but I mean come on man? You need to remember your routes. Even Keanu Reeves signed a one day contract with the Spitfires to let everyone know he cares more about hockey than Hollywood. I’m just saying, it would be ice if Gerry acknowledge the people that helped get him there…..not all of us have a mask in the HHOF, but think about the guys who got you there…..I guarantee Russel Crowe has ever seen his mask at the HHOF…

As two long time losers it would seem like your combined desperation to win should be twice as much as Moe’s.

Morgan what message do you have for Moe on game day?

Don’t look me in the eye, cause I will take a pre-game dump in your puck bag…..again, I think I have food poisoning…..but the intensity will be high so anything could happen.

Mark’s trash talk game is hot! So hot he talked Gerry and Adam’s dog into cheering for the Whalers. Gerry is pissed!  

Mark what do you want Moe to know?

I’d like to Mo to remember that my first experience with him was as the Oilers shower captain, and the highlight of his PHN career will forever be picking my Loofah brush up off the shower floor. Keep your head up #88, stay off the track when the train’s coming.

Wow, loofah talk is dangerous.

We’ll see what Mark can back up!

Gerry and Adam it seems like it is too late but you better give Ellie more treats.

Good luck to all the 3M losers on Monday.

And to the former captain who has lost the last three championships in a row as well!